Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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