I love black thongs
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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