So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
