Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
