If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
