how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
