apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
