I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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