One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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