Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
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I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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