I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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