She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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