dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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