Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
