She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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