I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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