Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
