Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
