Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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