It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have post one night stand depression
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
