so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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