So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
