She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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