why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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