I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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