Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
