my phone needs a breathalizer
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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