my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
