I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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