I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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