wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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