so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
