I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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