checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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