Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
