My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
