my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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