the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
