I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
