At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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