Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
