If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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