and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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