The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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