What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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