I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
