you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
