I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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