we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
