I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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