I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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