i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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