how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
