I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
