threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
