RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow