I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.