sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
