Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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